"This threat apparently cured my lisp from sheer fright." Such dry humour! Imagine such a threat would work on everything else, a lot of people would be out of a $teady $ource of income. Brave and raw post and I am glad you're healing, Troy.
A powerful, personal essay. Your words "Imagine how exhausting that dread and struggle in a traumatic situation would be—and that the brain and body often can’t distinguish between a real, remembered or imagined event." resonate and are deeply relatable to many despite the individual experiences we all have. May you keep healing and feeling safe and happy in your life.
Such an exceptional piece, from the title to the last sentence, well done Mr Ford!
Your description of anxiety is perfect, I can't think of a thing you left out. What came to my mind (obvs aside from the lousy situation) was first and foremost, 'this guy has done his WORK!' I don't think there are many folks with the growth and maturity to be able to connect the dots the way you have here.
Secondly, I was thinking 'I don't know what Troy does for work but I sure hope he's a psychologist or social worker so he can use these mad skills to help other people.' But wait! He's a writer, even better and he did just write this amazing article that is going to help so many people.
Lastly, my wheelhouse is in the field of neuro-musculoskeletal health so I'm just itching to weigh in on your shoulder issue that's a result of your new bed! Lucky for you the powers that hold my license frown on random online diagnosis given to internet friends so legally I'd be in the doghouse, therefore I will refrain from making suggestions and hope you heal up soon!
Thank you, Donna! Much appreciated... Yes, it's just me, my laptop and one word after another these days - Spain has allowed us to dial way back, though I'll be announcing some new developments next Friday... :) In any event, the shoulder is not getting worse, it's low-grade and mainly flares up when I'm already tossing/turning - the Brides of Pain may yet be foiled... 😉👻🤓
I'm glad it's not getting worse. I just realized you may have described my dreamlife, cruising around Spain with my laptop. I'm going to have a think on that!
You do not need to apologise for anything, Troy. You're writing from the heart and from truth and, as Chloe says, it was both heartbreaking and hilarious, graced with your ever-present flare and wit.
I think it's really important to be open about the exhaustion and suffering that anxiety brings and I hope that even just writing about it brings some catharthis, as well as awareness.
"I guess we’ll $EE…" this made me chuckle.
"I noticed after meditating for a while that I held in my body—in my head, my neck, shoulders, hands and legs—a tense, anticipatory, fearful feeling that something bad would happen, and I must be prepared for it always." Nothing resonated more with me than this. My life is a constant series of moments of my brain mapping out every possible ramification for all possible things that may happen in the next X minutes/days. Even though my wife (playfully) mocks me for this, it is draining, but at the same time it has made me astutely aware of unfolding situations and how they may play out and most likely increased my empathy. But the toll is there, too, along with the low-level anxiety is brings for me. I love to travel, but this aspect rears its head so much for me when I travel. Anyway, not about me, I just wanted to share that that particular paragraph resonated a huge amount.
"Realizing the cost in energy—physical, mental, emotional and spiritual—has brought a profound shift in my sense of a way forward in life, and a step closer to healing." This makes me happy to hear this, Troy.
Thank you, Nathan - your empathy shines through in everything you say/write - that Rubik's Cube of examination produces a keen observation of life. My therapist says stress hormones also engender strong memories, which we employ in our writing as well - it's nice to think these labors might also be in service to some artistic nuance we bring. Always so happy to connect with you here, brother. 💛⭐🙏
Thank you for sharing your struggles so openly — it is a brave thing to do, and I think it helps people more than we realise.
There were so many things you said which resonated so deeply with me. A few years ago, I had a year long bout of debilitating lower back pain, it had been an on and off again thing for much longer, but that year — the year I finally got sober — it really came to a head. And it wasn’t the surgeons, doctors, physio’s, chiropractors, acupuncturists, or masseuses I saw who helped me get over that back pain — it was the therapist I found. It was learning how to live sober, going inward and realising why I started drinking and taking drugs, and working through a bunch of other pent up and unresolved issues that helped me (mostly) get over my back pain. And, of course, the healing is never over but I’m thankful that nowadays it’s at least underway.
But that’s enough about me.
Thank you again, Troy, your writing in this piece is so powerful: it is deep and funny, it is insightful but not preachy, and it is vulnerable in a way that is endearing.
I think it is a really special thing that you can be humorous and profound in the same piece - and you do so masterfully.
Below are a few quotes I picked out that I really enjoyed for one reason of another, but you may notice that the quotes stop about a third of the way through — that’s because I was too gripped by your story to keep collecting quotes.
This was truly wonderful, Troy.
“For a child with trypanophobia (terror of needles) this was a beloved bedtime story, as you can imagine.”
“(“You must numb my gum first with a topical anesthetic before injecting the novocaine,” I impressed on my new dentist, the hygienist, receptionist, janitor, and the lady in the waiting room before my first serious procedure here in Spain.
“Como un bebé?” they all asked.
“Like a baby,” I said.)”
“Obviously, chronic anxiety waxes and wanes depending on the vagaries of life, and not limited to a persistent fear of needles, snakes, sharks, quicksand, public humiliation, destitution, homelessness, killer bees, celery, rudeness, blood, spiders, small talk, etc.” — celery was gold!
“It’s a constant source of stress and can leave you feeling so perpetually off-balance, you will say, do and think things you don’t understand and often regret, poisoning opportunities, careers, creativity and relationships alike.” — this resonated stronger than I would like to admit.
Aw Michael, your close reading and specific quote/call outs are the proverbial apple pie for the soul - it's so helpful to know what hits true. But most importantly, thank you for sharing a glimpse of your own experience here. Chronic pain destroys lives! I'm so glad you got the help you needed, and that you found a way out of addiction - sobriety is one of those words that almost doesn't seem to translate the profound sense of relief and connection that come with it - finally able to be ourselves without shame and remorse (progress not perfection ;) Without deep compassion for our selves I'm not sure it's possible to have it for others, and yet it also goes the other way - and it comes through so strongly every time we connect. Thank you, brother. 💛❤️🍊🍪
“sobriety is one of those words that almost doesn't seem to translate the profound sense of relief and connection that come with it” — I couldn’t agree more Troy, you summed that up beautifully.
And yes, I found having more compassion myself and forgiving myself for past mistakes has certainly helped me have more compassion for others.
Thank you again, Troy. I was left thinking about your piece and how m own experience related to it all of the following day — it really hit home in a good way.
And I’m so happy to hear you’re on the path of progress as well, and that we’ve had this chance to connect.
When people say that writing has to be honest and needs to come from a place of truth, it feels often empty and condescending. The kind of things people are supposed to say without understanding the weight that is behind. You DO understand it. I hope this makes it feel a bit lighter. You're an amazing writer, Troy. I hope we can meet for real some day.
Thanks for this. I beginning to think that some of my seemingly multiplying phobias are actually anxiety episodes triggered by, well, whatever. Same chills. Same cold sweats. Same feeling that "this is it". Good to know I'm not alone in the anxiety department, even if I'm a self-proclaimed "high-functioning" ( whatever that means) anxious person.
This was brilliant. The wonka-strobe anxiety, yes. Recovery from trauma is a lonely path, yes. Also, I too have a fear of needles. Topical numbing ointment? Didn’t know that was an option. Thank you for this 🙏
OMG yes! It's a clear numbing gel they can put on your gums before the shot - the fact that EVERYONE doesn't know about this tells me that dentistry is just a clever front for sadists. Thanks Jill...!!!
It's Pride this weekend in Atlanta. Steps from my front door people are gathering to celebrate their difference in every beautiful, crazy, imaginative way. I can hear the sub-sonic thump of the music starting up from the stage in the park as I write this. It pains me, Troy to hear about how you've suffered for being someone that should have been celebrated. The way you describe your anxiety does what all great writing should do, it puts the reader (me) right there with you, feeling what you feel. It reminds all of us that we are connecting in our separate suffering. That we are not alone.
My daughter has already had such a tough road and the stretch before her is not promising as the state of our democracy continues to devolve here in the states. As you described your suffering in this piece, I thought of my daughter and her torment and isolation and how no matter how much I lover her, I can't lift that off of her. This was a bit of an overshare, but I wanted you to know that what you wrote touched me. I'm so happy you are beginning to find the peace and acceptance you deserve. Thank you for writing this brave post. ❤️🩹
Brother Ben, I'm feeling a little teary as you write about your daughter, but I know that with a father like you, she has a rock in the storm. The first time I encountered transphobia in the gay community I was taken aback - I thought we were all in this together! I have ended associations with people who should know better, and you're right, it sometimes feels like we are going backwards. I know you will be there for her, and I would wish a father/brother/friend with your loving kindness for everyone who struggles. Peace and 💛 to you, BB
So raw and creative at the same time. I understand more what you mean about understanding yourself more through writing now. These pieces of anxiety are almost impossible to describe and yet you do it so well. Happy you are still writing!
Also - my father has Parkinson’s and pretty much refuses to talk about it. There is so much shame with not being able to control our bodies at times (disease or otherwise). I find this tragic. The way you have helped your friend is wonderful and I’m so happy the surgery seems to be working.
Thank you Kathleen, this was a Big Feel but I found it sort of wrote itself once I got going. Substack has been such a great space to keep us moving gently forward, discovering new things about ourselves. Glad to have you here.
I'm very sorry to hear about your father - it is tragic, and must be terribly frightening for both of you - sending grace and fortifying vibes your way.
And yes, our friend is up and walking, no meds, very steady, and all smiles... ::)) 💛
This is heartbreaking and hilarious and so relatable, but most of all it’s profoundly generous. I so appreciate you speaking to all of this. “Examining the bad, and anticipating the worst” felt like a bit of a body blow, reading, because it describes so much of my ‘resting’ state. The exhaustion (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual, as you say) that trauma produces is so real. And it has such a massive affect on our view of the world, and our place it in. I think, if I’m honest, it’s only been with in the last 12 months that I haven’t experienced an incessant sense of “you are not safe!” being bellowed at me by the world. It’s still very much there, in my muscles, but it’s not constant, which is an extraordinary relief (only took 37 years). All this to say, thank you so much for sharing some of your process and realisations. I honour all the work you’ve done to get to a place where you can share this generously 💜❤️ I’m also so glad that the electrode is helping your friend 💛
Oh Chloe! THANK YOU, I know as a fellow traveler we are on that same path out of darkness, and the light is sometimes not as warm as we might wish but at least we are walking toward it now, and not away. Lots of love to you and yours - and yes, we had a video of our friend walking without meds, and so steady and sure, it was really cause for tears. 💛🥲💛
"This threat apparently cured my lisp from sheer fright." Such dry humour! Imagine such a threat would work on everything else, a lot of people would be out of a $teady $ource of income. Brave and raw post and I am glad you're healing, Troy.
Thank you $o much, Alexander! 🤪❤️😂 But seriously, thanks.
Dear Mr Troy Ford, so much of this speaks to me. Thank you for sharing, for writing so clearly, and for being here to talk about it all. I salute you.
Saluting you back, Eleanor Anstruther! We walk that same path. Thank you. Thank you. 💛⭐
A powerful, personal essay. Your words "Imagine how exhausting that dread and struggle in a traumatic situation would be—and that the brain and body often can’t distinguish between a real, remembered or imagined event." resonate and are deeply relatable to many despite the individual experiences we all have. May you keep healing and feeling safe and happy in your life.
Thank you my dear, and TY for your Note... Wishing healing to you also 💛💛💛
Thank you, my lovely friend. <3
Such an exceptional piece, from the title to the last sentence, well done Mr Ford!
Your description of anxiety is perfect, I can't think of a thing you left out. What came to my mind (obvs aside from the lousy situation) was first and foremost, 'this guy has done his WORK!' I don't think there are many folks with the growth and maturity to be able to connect the dots the way you have here.
Secondly, I was thinking 'I don't know what Troy does for work but I sure hope he's a psychologist or social worker so he can use these mad skills to help other people.' But wait! He's a writer, even better and he did just write this amazing article that is going to help so many people.
Lastly, my wheelhouse is in the field of neuro-musculoskeletal health so I'm just itching to weigh in on your shoulder issue that's a result of your new bed! Lucky for you the powers that hold my license frown on random online diagnosis given to internet friends so legally I'd be in the doghouse, therefore I will refrain from making suggestions and hope you heal up soon!
Thank you, Donna! Much appreciated... Yes, it's just me, my laptop and one word after another these days - Spain has allowed us to dial way back, though I'll be announcing some new developments next Friday... :) In any event, the shoulder is not getting worse, it's low-grade and mainly flares up when I'm already tossing/turning - the Brides of Pain may yet be foiled... 😉👻🤓
I'm glad it's not getting worse. I just realized you may have described my dreamlife, cruising around Spain with my laptop. I'm going to have a think on that!
You do not need to apologise for anything, Troy. You're writing from the heart and from truth and, as Chloe says, it was both heartbreaking and hilarious, graced with your ever-present flare and wit.
I think it's really important to be open about the exhaustion and suffering that anxiety brings and I hope that even just writing about it brings some catharthis, as well as awareness.
"I guess we’ll $EE…" this made me chuckle.
"I noticed after meditating for a while that I held in my body—in my head, my neck, shoulders, hands and legs—a tense, anticipatory, fearful feeling that something bad would happen, and I must be prepared for it always." Nothing resonated more with me than this. My life is a constant series of moments of my brain mapping out every possible ramification for all possible things that may happen in the next X minutes/days. Even though my wife (playfully) mocks me for this, it is draining, but at the same time it has made me astutely aware of unfolding situations and how they may play out and most likely increased my empathy. But the toll is there, too, along with the low-level anxiety is brings for me. I love to travel, but this aspect rears its head so much for me when I travel. Anyway, not about me, I just wanted to share that that particular paragraph resonated a huge amount.
"Realizing the cost in energy—physical, mental, emotional and spiritual—has brought a profound shift in my sense of a way forward in life, and a step closer to healing." This makes me happy to hear this, Troy.
Thank you, Nathan - your empathy shines through in everything you say/write - that Rubik's Cube of examination produces a keen observation of life. My therapist says stress hormones also engender strong memories, which we employ in our writing as well - it's nice to think these labors might also be in service to some artistic nuance we bring. Always so happy to connect with you here, brother. 💛⭐🙏
Troy, this was touching.
I don’t even know where to begin...
Thank you for sharing your struggles so openly — it is a brave thing to do, and I think it helps people more than we realise.
There were so many things you said which resonated so deeply with me. A few years ago, I had a year long bout of debilitating lower back pain, it had been an on and off again thing for much longer, but that year — the year I finally got sober — it really came to a head. And it wasn’t the surgeons, doctors, physio’s, chiropractors, acupuncturists, or masseuses I saw who helped me get over that back pain — it was the therapist I found. It was learning how to live sober, going inward and realising why I started drinking and taking drugs, and working through a bunch of other pent up and unresolved issues that helped me (mostly) get over my back pain. And, of course, the healing is never over but I’m thankful that nowadays it’s at least underway.
But that’s enough about me.
Thank you again, Troy, your writing in this piece is so powerful: it is deep and funny, it is insightful but not preachy, and it is vulnerable in a way that is endearing.
I think it is a really special thing that you can be humorous and profound in the same piece - and you do so masterfully.
Below are a few quotes I picked out that I really enjoyed for one reason of another, but you may notice that the quotes stop about a third of the way through — that’s because I was too gripped by your story to keep collecting quotes.
This was truly wonderful, Troy.
“For a child with trypanophobia (terror of needles) this was a beloved bedtime story, as you can imagine.”
“(“You must numb my gum first with a topical anesthetic before injecting the novocaine,” I impressed on my new dentist, the hygienist, receptionist, janitor, and the lady in the waiting room before my first serious procedure here in Spain.
“Como un bebé?” they all asked.
“Like a baby,” I said.)”
“Obviously, chronic anxiety waxes and wanes depending on the vagaries of life, and not limited to a persistent fear of needles, snakes, sharks, quicksand, public humiliation, destitution, homelessness, killer bees, celery, rudeness, blood, spiders, small talk, etc.” — celery was gold!
“It’s a constant source of stress and can leave you feeling so perpetually off-balance, you will say, do and think things you don’t understand and often regret, poisoning opportunities, careers, creativity and relationships alike.” — this resonated stronger than I would like to admit.
Aw Michael, your close reading and specific quote/call outs are the proverbial apple pie for the soul - it's so helpful to know what hits true. But most importantly, thank you for sharing a glimpse of your own experience here. Chronic pain destroys lives! I'm so glad you got the help you needed, and that you found a way out of addiction - sobriety is one of those words that almost doesn't seem to translate the profound sense of relief and connection that come with it - finally able to be ourselves without shame and remorse (progress not perfection ;) Without deep compassion for our selves I'm not sure it's possible to have it for others, and yet it also goes the other way - and it comes through so strongly every time we connect. Thank you, brother. 💛❤️🍊🍪
Well, to quote you again —
“sobriety is one of those words that almost doesn't seem to translate the profound sense of relief and connection that come with it” — I couldn’t agree more Troy, you summed that up beautifully.
And yes, I found having more compassion myself and forgiving myself for past mistakes has certainly helped me have more compassion for others.
Thank you again, Troy. I was left thinking about your piece and how m own experience related to it all of the following day — it really hit home in a good way.
And I’m so happy to hear you’re on the path of progress as well, and that we’ve had this chance to connect.
Thanks brother. 😊❤️
Ugh you're giving me the feels... 🥲😘🤩
When people say that writing has to be honest and needs to come from a place of truth, it feels often empty and condescending. The kind of things people are supposed to say without understanding the weight that is behind. You DO understand it. I hope this makes it feel a bit lighter. You're an amazing writer, Troy. I hope we can meet for real some day.
I appreciate that very much Martine, coming from such a gifted writer, it means a lot. Perhaps we shall meet, I hope so too... 💛💛💛
Thanks for this. I beginning to think that some of my seemingly multiplying phobias are actually anxiety episodes triggered by, well, whatever. Same chills. Same cold sweats. Same feeling that "this is it". Good to know I'm not alone in the anxiety department, even if I'm a self-proclaimed "high-functioning" ( whatever that means) anxious person.
Now that sounds like panic attacks, which can be quite terrifying... Getting better? Worse? 💛
I’m kind of nervous about it, but that doesn’t even qualify as a first world problem.
Me too a bit, like people expecting Magnum PI and getting T. Selleck, moustache salesman 😘
This was brilliant. The wonka-strobe anxiety, yes. Recovery from trauma is a lonely path, yes. Also, I too have a fear of needles. Topical numbing ointment? Didn’t know that was an option. Thank you for this 🙏
OMG yes! It's a clear numbing gel they can put on your gums before the shot - the fact that EVERYONE doesn't know about this tells me that dentistry is just a clever front for sadists. Thanks Jill...!!!
Others have said it better than I could, but this is a superb piece of writing.
Thanks Jeffrey! Much appreciated - "superb" will go up on my Word Wall for regular confidence bolstering. :)
So much in common, the needle phobia #1.
Psst... I hate needles, did I mention that? 😘😘😘 Thanks for being here, Sheree!
It's Pride this weekend in Atlanta. Steps from my front door people are gathering to celebrate their difference in every beautiful, crazy, imaginative way. I can hear the sub-sonic thump of the music starting up from the stage in the park as I write this. It pains me, Troy to hear about how you've suffered for being someone that should have been celebrated. The way you describe your anxiety does what all great writing should do, it puts the reader (me) right there with you, feeling what you feel. It reminds all of us that we are connecting in our separate suffering. That we are not alone.
My daughter has already had such a tough road and the stretch before her is not promising as the state of our democracy continues to devolve here in the states. As you described your suffering in this piece, I thought of my daughter and her torment and isolation and how no matter how much I lover her, I can't lift that off of her. This was a bit of an overshare, but I wanted you to know that what you wrote touched me. I'm so happy you are beginning to find the peace and acceptance you deserve. Thank you for writing this brave post. ❤️🩹
Brother Ben, I'm feeling a little teary as you write about your daughter, but I know that with a father like you, she has a rock in the storm. The first time I encountered transphobia in the gay community I was taken aback - I thought we were all in this together! I have ended associations with people who should know better, and you're right, it sometimes feels like we are going backwards. I know you will be there for her, and I would wish a father/brother/friend with your loving kindness for everyone who struggles. Peace and 💛 to you, BB
Three cheers to a recovering celery-phobe. Your writing and insight are thrilling. (And resonating.)
Celery: the devil's swizzle stick.
I now have a Word Wall, "thrilling" is going up there... ⭐ Delighted to have you aboard, Kimberly, and looking forward to reading Unfixed. 💛
So raw and creative at the same time. I understand more what you mean about understanding yourself more through writing now. These pieces of anxiety are almost impossible to describe and yet you do it so well. Happy you are still writing!
Also - my father has Parkinson’s and pretty much refuses to talk about it. There is so much shame with not being able to control our bodies at times (disease or otherwise). I find this tragic. The way you have helped your friend is wonderful and I’m so happy the surgery seems to be working.
Thank you Kathleen, this was a Big Feel but I found it sort of wrote itself once I got going. Substack has been such a great space to keep us moving gently forward, discovering new things about ourselves. Glad to have you here.
I'm very sorry to hear about your father - it is tragic, and must be terribly frightening for both of you - sending grace and fortifying vibes your way.
And yes, our friend is up and walking, no meds, very steady, and all smiles... ::)) 💛
This is heartbreaking and hilarious and so relatable, but most of all it’s profoundly generous. I so appreciate you speaking to all of this. “Examining the bad, and anticipating the worst” felt like a bit of a body blow, reading, because it describes so much of my ‘resting’ state. The exhaustion (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual, as you say) that trauma produces is so real. And it has such a massive affect on our view of the world, and our place it in. I think, if I’m honest, it’s only been with in the last 12 months that I haven’t experienced an incessant sense of “you are not safe!” being bellowed at me by the world. It’s still very much there, in my muscles, but it’s not constant, which is an extraordinary relief (only took 37 years). All this to say, thank you so much for sharing some of your process and realisations. I honour all the work you’ve done to get to a place where you can share this generously 💜❤️ I’m also so glad that the electrode is helping your friend 💛
Oh Chloe! THANK YOU, I know as a fellow traveler we are on that same path out of darkness, and the light is sometimes not as warm as we might wish but at least we are walking toward it now, and not away. Lots of love to you and yours - and yes, we had a video of our friend walking without meds, and so steady and sure, it was really cause for tears. 💛🥲💛
Oh, wow! Secondhand tears over here! What incredible news. Thanks again, Troy. You are glowing light in often too dark world. Biggest love to you ❤️