It was an honour to feature your brilliant essay, Troy. Thank you for sharing so openly. our experience with your own adoptive family angers me—not just the utter lack of unconditional love that every child deserves, but the blatant disregard for the uniqueness who you are.
I think about bonding with regard to my eight-year-old adopted son, worry a lot about whether he feels the sense of belonging. I suspect the conversations around adoption and why he had to be will come up more and more as he gets older. You gave me a lot to think about and encourage me to be even more attuned to him.
I feel sure that the fact you are even concerned and aware of challenges with Silas will help convey your love and support of him, Tiffany. Thanks again for hosting my guest post, it's the first time in quite awhile that I've taken a long, steady look at that period of my life.
Your gracious perspective is hard earned Troy. I’ve reconnected with my childhood friend Jenny recently and they have an adopted son Silas. The challenges with bonding are real and even though Jenny and her husband are far more inclusive, psychologically attuned, and loving than it sounds like your parents were, Silas still struggles with feeling like he belongs. It’s wild how much our biology insists on us feeling those schisms.
And what’s up with Mexican food?! That’s what my mom was digesting the day she revealed some banger details about Charlie!
Oh my yes, letting off secrets like steam! 🌶️🌶️🌶️ You know the crazy thing is that I never even bothered to bring to her what my therapist and I discussed after my father died. She was the emotional equivalent of a flat-earther. 😂
Thank you my dear. I'm thinking of you reconnecting with your daughter much later and how having that relationship must have helped complete the circle. Much love back ~ 🩷
Troy, WOW is all I have to say (and maybe a little more). Each of us lives a life worthy of a sitcom from the 50s. Some get more and some get fewer laughs. Glad to know a little more about you but in some ways that doesn't matter, as our relationship is built on trust, respect, undersatnding, love, etc. Built on everything a "Happy Family" should reflect (but they rarely do!) You say: "Sometimes seems like life is all about surviving childhood, and then trying to reassemble the broken pieces that remain." My sound bite is: "I work to re-parent myself, to preserve the few good parts of growing up, but mostly to survive having grown up at all!" Keep on Keeping On, friend. Fondly, Michael
We're going to see Patti Lupone this Friday, and leaving for a long weekend in Stockholm the following Friday... If not tomorrow Th 6/11, then can do M 6/15 or Th 6/18?
Troy, brother, fuck this was moving. I’m sorry to hear about how hard and fractured your family life was. There really are no words for such things. And while I imagine it’s little consolation, this piece, with its candid vulnerability and raw honesty, is so damn brilliant.
My family life was a messy headfuck in its own right. Which is to say, this piece resonated more than I would’ve liked.
I really admire the frankness with which you shared this, friend. Thank you :)
"All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Fucking Tolstoy hits the nail on the head again. Thanks brother, sometimes seems like life is all about surviving childhood, and then trying to reassemble the broken pieces that remain... ;)
“…like a thread running through many of the challenges of my life”
Such a revelation is illuminating but also gut-wrenching. You recognize where so much hurt originates from, but you can’t replace that thread and undo what it’s sewn into. Our upbringings are outside of our control, heartbreaking thought that is.
What I walk away with, though, is what you have done with those wounds now that you pilot your life. You sought therapy, you got sober, and you found the courage to confront everything openly and publicly. All that is impressive on its own, but I understand now it’s even more admirable.
This was a moving piece told well. Thank you for sharing it.
This is beautifully written and vulnerable. As an adoptive parent myself, my heart aches for you. No child deserves such callous treatment. Your experiences have also made you the generous, thoughtful, talented person you are today. Thanks for sharing your story.
I didn't know you were an adoptive parent, Julie. Despite my experience - I wish more people would consider opening their hearts and homes, there are so many needy children in the world. Thank you! 🩷
My heart breaks for you! You are a remarkable writer ✍️ who shared a tragic account so very well. One of the hardest thing for me to read in your post and what truly brought me to tears is that you never experienced unconditional love 💗 growing up ( neither did I so I found myself crying for both of us).
Thank you for your touching comment, Kimberlyann - and I'm sorry you also experienced that hardship in your family life. It resonates throughout our lives. I hope you have connected with a deeper love, as I have in recent years. 🩵
You are very kind Thank you. I haven't yet but I have finally grown to love me after spending most of my life hating me, running from me and trying to destroy me. I finally figured out that truly I am a woman worth loving. I also learned that if you want to stop feeling desperately lonely and if you want others, someone to love ❤️ you, you truly have to love yourself ……
bravo to you, my friend, for your bravery in naming this here. tis how we step up for our wounded children, in my view. & not easy.
all the love to you, Mr. Ford!
thank you dear pan - can take a lifetime to heal 🩵
Gutting and powerful. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Thank you Laura!
It was an honour to feature your brilliant essay, Troy. Thank you for sharing so openly. our experience with your own adoptive family angers me—not just the utter lack of unconditional love that every child deserves, but the blatant disregard for the uniqueness who you are.
I think about bonding with regard to my eight-year-old adopted son, worry a lot about whether he feels the sense of belonging. I suspect the conversations around adoption and why he had to be will come up more and more as he gets older. You gave me a lot to think about and encourage me to be even more attuned to him.
I feel sure that the fact you are even concerned and aware of challenges with Silas will help convey your love and support of him, Tiffany. Thanks again for hosting my guest post, it's the first time in quite awhile that I've taken a long, steady look at that period of my life.
Your gracious perspective is hard earned Troy. I’ve reconnected with my childhood friend Jenny recently and they have an adopted son Silas. The challenges with bonding are real and even though Jenny and her husband are far more inclusive, psychologically attuned, and loving than it sounds like your parents were, Silas still struggles with feeling like he belongs. It’s wild how much our biology insists on us feeling those schisms.
And what’s up with Mexican food?! That’s what my mom was digesting the day she revealed some banger details about Charlie!
Oh my yes, letting off secrets like steam! 🌶️🌶️🌶️ You know the crazy thing is that I never even bothered to bring to her what my therapist and I discussed after my father died. She was the emotional equivalent of a flat-earther. 😂
That sounds like a wise decision Troy. Nothing worse than revelations falling on deaf ears. Or in your mom's case, flat?
You clearly come by your grace and generosity and gorgeous writing naturally.
As a birth mother, I don’t have words for how terribly angry and disappointed I am by the experience your adoptive parents gave you.
Sending so much love and warmth your way, my dear friend.
Thank you my dear. I'm thinking of you reconnecting with your daughter much later and how having that relationship must have helped complete the circle. Much love back ~ 🩷
Troy, WOW is all I have to say (and maybe a little more). Each of us lives a life worthy of a sitcom from the 50s. Some get more and some get fewer laughs. Glad to know a little more about you but in some ways that doesn't matter, as our relationship is built on trust, respect, undersatnding, love, etc. Built on everything a "Happy Family" should reflect (but they rarely do!) You say: "Sometimes seems like life is all about surviving childhood, and then trying to reassemble the broken pieces that remain." My sound bite is: "I work to re-parent myself, to preserve the few good parts of growing up, but mostly to survive having grown up at all!" Keep on Keeping On, friend. Fondly, Michael
"Re-parent myself" - absolutely, you nailed it, Michael... 🩵
Troy Friday Dharma? 6/12? Michael
Thursday 6/11? Can't do Friday xo
The next Friday or make a suggestion or am I pushing too hard :-)
We're going to see Patti Lupone this Friday, and leaving for a long weekend in Stockholm the following Friday... If not tomorrow Th 6/11, then can do M 6/15 or Th 6/18?
Patti Lupone. How exciting! Stockholm. How exciting. Tomorrow would be good. 9:00 usual time. m
Troy, brother, fuck this was moving. I’m sorry to hear about how hard and fractured your family life was. There really are no words for such things. And while I imagine it’s little consolation, this piece, with its candid vulnerability and raw honesty, is so damn brilliant.
My family life was a messy headfuck in its own right. Which is to say, this piece resonated more than I would’ve liked.
I really admire the frankness with which you shared this, friend. Thank you :)
"All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Fucking Tolstoy hits the nail on the head again. Thanks brother, sometimes seems like life is all about surviving childhood, and then trying to reassemble the broken pieces that remain... ;)
Look at the way Tolstoy because this line is coming in hot!
“sometimes seems like life is all about surviving childhood, and then trying to reassemble the broken pieces that remain.”
— beautifully said brother :)
“…like a thread running through many of the challenges of my life”
Such a revelation is illuminating but also gut-wrenching. You recognize where so much hurt originates from, but you can’t replace that thread and undo what it’s sewn into. Our upbringings are outside of our control, heartbreaking thought that is.
What I walk away with, though, is what you have done with those wounds now that you pilot your life. You sought therapy, you got sober, and you found the courage to confront everything openly and publicly. All that is impressive on its own, but I understand now it’s even more admirable.
This was a moving piece told well. Thank you for sharing it.
I love what you said, that you can't replace the thread once it's sewn in - so true, Michael. Thanks so much for being here!
This is beautifully written and vulnerable. As an adoptive parent myself, my heart aches for you. No child deserves such callous treatment. Your experiences have also made you the generous, thoughtful, talented person you are today. Thanks for sharing your story.
I didn't know you were an adoptive parent, Julie. Despite my experience - I wish more people would consider opening their hearts and homes, there are so many needy children in the world. Thank you! 🩷
My heart breaks for you! You are a remarkable writer ✍️ who shared a tragic account so very well. One of the hardest thing for me to read in your post and what truly brought me to tears is that you never experienced unconditional love 💗 growing up ( neither did I so I found myself crying for both of us).
Thank you for your touching comment, Kimberlyann - and I'm sorry you also experienced that hardship in your family life. It resonates throughout our lives. I hope you have connected with a deeper love, as I have in recent years. 🩵
You are very kind Thank you. I haven't yet but I have finally grown to love me after spending most of my life hating me, running from me and trying to destroy me. I finally figured out that truly I am a woman worth loving. I also learned that if you want to stop feeling desperately lonely and if you want others, someone to love ❤️ you, you truly have to love yourself ……
For sure deeper love begins with ourselves.