LIZA v. ARETHA

Battle of the Hangry, Hangry Divas

Portrait of the Journalist Sylvia von Harden - Otto Dix (1926)

My proposed smackdown between Liza Minnelli and Aretha Franklin (Miss God rest her soul) would on the surface hardly seem a fair fight if we were only to compare upbringings: the daughter of Judy Garland, fraught as that lineage may have been, would undoubtedly suffer mortal injury in an actual slapping match with the daughter of a Baptist preacher, open-hands down.

It would not even have come up but for the Snickers commercial in which they both appeared, and which suggested the “hangry diva” personas my husband and I have adopted: invoking Liza (me) or Aretha (him) is an immediate and urgent imperative to find food in any and all situations.

On closer examination though, I believe Miss Minnelli could indeed give the Queen of Soul a run for her money, and so we shall compare their respective careers in several categories: Comedy, Choreography, Hits, and Voice.

Please, sit, make yourselves comfortable. If you require a monocle for our judging, now is the time to insert it.

Still from Cabaret - dir. Bob Fosse (1972)

Comedy

Except for the aforementioned candy commercial, I’m hard pressed to acknowledge Aretha as a comic force, though she has had her moments.

Liza, on the other hand (and you will guess correctly that I am partial) has had several delightful comedic turns: the adorable Arthur (1981); a few zany moments in (and a very unjustified Golden Raspberry nomination for) Rent-a-Cop (1987) with Burt Reynolds; but most notably, her performance as Sally Bowles in the quintessential, iconic, über-queer musical Cabaret (1972) for which she won the Academy Aware for Best Actress, please note.

I am relying largely, but not exclusively, on the duet Money, Money with Joel Grey, which is a tour-de-force pairing of lyrics and comic timing.

I submit a second entry for Miss Minnelli’s comedy talents, her namesake song Liza with a Z from the 1972 concert film of the same name. It bears mentioning how an already very colorful 7-year-old Mr. Troy Ford drove his parents to distraction with a bootlegged radio cassette recording of Liza with a Z on repeat.

Right. So although I have been reminded of Aretha’s turn in The Blues Brothers as an example of her comic talent, I disagree it is worthy of watching the clip all the way through for what is ultimately a straight singing of Think with a dram of sass. Iconic song, to be sure, triumphant and empowering, but not funny.

It’s slim pickings to find funny moments from her career, and I must resort to a gif in which she was famously possessed of the Holy Spirit and took matters into her own hands. (Sorry about the video quality.)

Yes, it will go down as one of history’s most hilarious wig snatchings, but I can hardly award her the point for what is ultimately just an inspired moment of candor.

POINT: LIZA

Choreography

Google search: “Aretha dancing” produces only one result, her performance of Respect on Dancing with the Stars. Since I see we can’t get away from it, we might as well get it over with.

While I’m 100% certain Aretha in her youth could shake her groove thang, I suspect it was mainly accomplished in private.

Liza, on the other hand, performed choreography by the legendary Bob Fosse in Mein Herr, again from Cabaret, and it is sublime if controlled, and includes the famous “Cabaret legs”-move understood intuitively by every gay boy from the age of 11 onward. That the run-up to the performance is also very cute is mere icing.

POINT: LIZA

Hits

Oops. Here we have our first embarrassing glitch in the stampede toward a Liza shut-out, because the only song famously attached to her name—her signature New York, New York—can hardly stack up against the parade of hits that Aretha Franklin has produced.

Respect, Chain of Fools, I Say a Little Prayer, A Natural Woman, Do Right Woman/Do Right Man, Think—to name half a dozen of her innumerable hits off the tops of our heads—make this category of our competition an easy win for the Queen of Soul.

POINT: ARETHA

Voice

If I’m being honest, I was all set to give this category to Aretha: there simply is no denying the full force and majesty of her voice.

But when I listen to Liza on New York, New York—I’m sorry, but the lady surpasses even her mom’s famous pipes. It’s strong, it’s pure, and yet all her own, and definitely nothing to sneeze at.

Honestly, these two are apples and oranges; you’re going to like one, or the other, or both, in my case, but it’s impossible to say either could actually sing the other off the stage in a voice battle—there would be blood, any way you scratch it. As I’ve been forced to say to my husband, ‘Retha, on more than one occasion: You don’t automatically win just because you’re Black.

POINT: TIE

(Oh no he di'n't…)

I know this may come as a terrible disgruntlement to many of you, but please don’t unsubscribe over THIS (there are so many other reasons to shun me.) We have walked side by side through this little exercise, and numbers don’t lie.

MATCH: Liza Minnelli

I do not take this decision lightly. I am more than certain ‘Retha will have very strong words indeed about the outcome—it may even devolve into slapticuffs. Nevertheless, fair is fair.

The Swan Song goes to that international sensation and incomparable cuckoo, Miss Liza Minnelli—paste a smile on it, honey, you’re on…