You're so wise in the way you wrote about something so painful and deeply rooted. I hope you are today surrounded by so much love and appreciation and support that you may not have been properly given in the past. You are an amazing, empathetic, brilliant human, and I'm grateful to know you.
Thank you my dear, you are so kind - I do feel like I've turned a corner in the last couple of years, and sharing my writing on Substack has been part of that - and you, my first treasured connection here. 🤍🤍🤍
As everyone else has said, this was so very moving, deep and honest, Troy. Thank you for sharing. I cannot adequately articulate the emotions I feel from having read what you just wrote out, but know that it moved me deeply. So much love and respect to you, my friend.
Thank you Nathan, I appreciate your being here for this impromptu memorial, and your love and respect are returned. Here's some virtual cake, it feels like that kind occasion... 🍰💛🕊️
I share many of these feelings and ideas. From a strictly writing viewpoint, it's effective because every bit belongs. The flow works; you created stunning, painful images.
Lovely piece, Mr. Ford. This month is the first anniversary of my father’s death. And I was also unable to speak at his memorial several months later. I had no idea what to say that others would understand.
Perhaps there is no need for regret regarding your father though. You two came together for a reason, after all. And in his present state, one of completeness and total love, there is nothing but appreciation and acceptance. This is what I believe (it allows me to say that now that they’re both gone, I finally have the parents I’ve always wanted). I mean, why not?!
I’m sure he’s very proud of the thoughtful, caring person you are.
Thank you Andrea, completely agree that perfect peace is the blessing of the next realm, and that love and acceptance flow accordingly. Perhaps the eulogy was as much for the painfully insecure child I was, as I'm moving into a stronger phase of life. Perhaps. ;) 💛
Thank you for sharing the deepest part of yourself and for speaking from your heart for all of us to experience. I know this was painful for you and I know you father and your mother loved you. It is difficult for that love to come through when people are broken by their own childhood and lives. You are a shining light, filled with love, beauty and wisdom (except when it comes to Divas). ❤
Sigh... Heartbreaking. Sending so many hugs and best wishes.
Human beings are such complex creatures.
(I never knew about eulogies either. All our family funerals have been tiny intimate affairs simply designed to give us an opportunity to share memories of those lost. Only at one did someone suggest that they were waiting for me to say something formal. I didn’t.)
I echo Adam’s sentiments - but I will say that of all the eulogies I’ve ever heard, the ones which speak to the complexities of the departed, alongside the love that they gave and received, are always the most moving. This was beautifully done, Troy.
Thank you my dear, it was hard to write, but I've finally found the right place to (occasionally) share some of these deeply personal reflections - you have been a great inspiration in that regard. Some insights into shame that you made awhile back had a big impact on me - breathing some light and air into our experience is a great balm. Love back to you. 💛💚💙
As is undoubtedly often the case, a eulogy says more about its author than about the deceased. After all, what do we really know about each other. Or even ourselves. And then there’s time. It twists and reshapes our memories. I never really connected with my father. I’m convinced it had nothing to do with my sexual identity. He valued conformity. I, diversity. Nevertheless, I admired him for his intellect and his cleverness. I like to think that he loved me and I him. But who knows. Maybe I like a happy narrative. In the end, we get to choose our narrative. And I choose the one that helps me be happy.
Oh Troy, this is heartbreaking. As someone lucky enough to be deeply loved by my father and as a result, have the capacity to love my children unconditionally, I cannot truly know your suffering. I can only imagine it through the lens of this beautiful piece of writing.
Being a parent is, without a doubt the most fraught and complicated thing a human can do which is why we all fail at it. We all fall short. I believe your father did love you though that love was unfortunately shackled by the restraints bolted into the bedrock of human society long before he was born. Were he to have lived just a few years longer, I think he might have been able to loosen those restraints and not just love you but accept you and celebrate you.
Thanks Ben - you are right I think that being a parent is one of if not The hardest test of our lives, right up there with marriage and war. 😑 I am glad at least that I was there for him at the end, that our wariness of each other did not prevent us from saying "I love you" one last time, however awkward it may have been. Really appreciate your words and your fellowship here, brother.
This was deep, Troy. It was moving, vulnerable, and honest. I really felt the torn-ness and the sadness in your words.
My relationship with my dad has always been somewhat strained, as I am all too aware that I’m not the kind of son he’d hoped I’d be. And so, I really related to this piece.
Thank you for being so open and for sharing this moving piece.
Thank you Michael, and thanks for the restack, very much appreciated. I wish you peace and an earnest hope for a happier connection with your dad, if that is possible and amenable. I'm very glad for your fellowship here. 🙏
This is deeply, deeply moving and painful. There are times not to weigh in except to say that I am choked up about it.
And to say this: all of the parts that your father loved and respected about you, and undoubtedly there are far more than you’re aware, all of those parts would be different if you were to be fantasy of a different son. To change a piece is to change the whole to unrecognizable ends.
You’re just right and your father in his calmest deepest wisdom would have understood that. I believe this to be true because I think that all of us in our deepest calmest wisdom know it to be true. Thank you for sharing. You are heard.
Thank you Adam, I think you are right about that - there is a deeper, wiser place in all of us, and trying to reach it might be the great mission of each of our lives - none of us reaches it all of the time. I appreciate your presence here, and in everything you bring to this space. 🕊️
Our parents were people of their times, shackled by convention and not knowing it. We are, most likely, bound by our visions of the world and as unaware as they were. There was love, and you're right, that's all that needs to be said.
My goodness, Garrett, no need to apologize at all, I feel as though you've lived that very experience, both in the realm of sleep and also certainly with your father IRL. Is it any wonder that when the world expects Men of Steel, children find their fathers are uncomfortable to hug? I have tried and tried to remember all the ways in which he did express his love, and that he also must have felt that I was disappointed in him - the armor was a barrier to both of us. Well, we do our best, and have no choice but to soldier on... ;) Thank you so much for your own sharing, I know in your own way and at this challenging time, you face your own struggles as a man and father. Strength and peace to you, brother Garrett.
You're so wise in the way you wrote about something so painful and deeply rooted. I hope you are today surrounded by so much love and appreciation and support that you may not have been properly given in the past. You are an amazing, empathetic, brilliant human, and I'm grateful to know you.
Thank you my dear, you are so kind - I do feel like I've turned a corner in the last couple of years, and sharing my writing on Substack has been part of that - and you, my first treasured connection here. 🤍🤍🤍
D'aww. And you are my first treasured connection. <3
As everyone else has said, this was so very moving, deep and honest, Troy. Thank you for sharing. I cannot adequately articulate the emotions I feel from having read what you just wrote out, but know that it moved me deeply. So much love and respect to you, my friend.
Thank you Nathan, I appreciate your being here for this impromptu memorial, and your love and respect are returned. Here's some virtual cake, it feels like that kind occasion... 🍰💛🕊️
Why thank you, sir. *virtually eats virtual cake*
I share many of these feelings and ideas. From a strictly writing viewpoint, it's effective because every bit belongs. The flow works; you created stunning, painful images.
Thank you Tara, I'm glad it resonated with you. Peace ~ 💛🕊️💛
Lovely piece, Mr. Ford. This month is the first anniversary of my father’s death. And I was also unable to speak at his memorial several months later. I had no idea what to say that others would understand.
Perhaps there is no need for regret regarding your father though. You two came together for a reason, after all. And in his present state, one of completeness and total love, there is nothing but appreciation and acceptance. This is what I believe (it allows me to say that now that they’re both gone, I finally have the parents I’ve always wanted). I mean, why not?!
I’m sure he’s very proud of the thoughtful, caring person you are.
Thank you Andrea, completely agree that perfect peace is the blessing of the next realm, and that love and acceptance flow accordingly. Perhaps the eulogy was as much for the painfully insecure child I was, as I'm moving into a stronger phase of life. Perhaps. ;) 💛
Thank you for sharing the deepest part of yourself and for speaking from your heart for all of us to experience. I know this was painful for you and I know you father and your mother loved you. It is difficult for that love to come through when people are broken by their own childhood and lives. You are a shining light, filled with love, beauty and wisdom (except when it comes to Divas). ❤
squish squish love you squish squish 💛💛💛
Sigh... Heartbreaking. Sending so many hugs and best wishes.
Human beings are such complex creatures.
(I never knew about eulogies either. All our family funerals have been tiny intimate affairs simply designed to give us an opportunity to share memories of those lost. Only at one did someone suggest that they were waiting for me to say something formal. I didn’t.)
Thank you so much, Beth, I'll take all the hugs and best wishes I can get, we'll be brave and keep going together. 💛
I echo Adam’s sentiments - but I will say that of all the eulogies I’ve ever heard, the ones which speak to the complexities of the departed, alongside the love that they gave and received, are always the most moving. This was beautifully done, Troy.
And much love to you 💜
Thank you my dear, it was hard to write, but I've finally found the right place to (occasionally) share some of these deeply personal reflections - you have been a great inspiration in that regard. Some insights into shame that you made awhile back had a big impact on me - breathing some light and air into our experience is a great balm. Love back to you. 💛💚💙
Thank you for sharing that, Troy, it really means an awful lot. You inspire me 💗💜✨
❤️
As is undoubtedly often the case, a eulogy says more about its author than about the deceased. After all, what do we really know about each other. Or even ourselves. And then there’s time. It twists and reshapes our memories. I never really connected with my father. I’m convinced it had nothing to do with my sexual identity. He valued conformity. I, diversity. Nevertheless, I admired him for his intellect and his cleverness. I like to think that he loved me and I him. But who knows. Maybe I like a happy narrative. In the end, we get to choose our narrative. And I choose the one that helps me be happy.
Perhaps we do get to remake ourselves every day, and choose happiness, or something else. :) Thanks Richard!
Oh Troy, this is heartbreaking. As someone lucky enough to be deeply loved by my father and as a result, have the capacity to love my children unconditionally, I cannot truly know your suffering. I can only imagine it through the lens of this beautiful piece of writing.
Being a parent is, without a doubt the most fraught and complicated thing a human can do which is why we all fail at it. We all fall short. I believe your father did love you though that love was unfortunately shackled by the restraints bolted into the bedrock of human society long before he was born. Were he to have lived just a few years longer, I think he might have been able to loosen those restraints and not just love you but accept you and celebrate you.
Thanks for sharing this part of your story.
Thanks Ben - you are right I think that being a parent is one of if not The hardest test of our lives, right up there with marriage and war. 😑 I am glad at least that I was there for him at the end, that our wariness of each other did not prevent us from saying "I love you" one last time, however awkward it may have been. Really appreciate your words and your fellowship here, brother.
Thank you... you are first of all a child of the world, seems to me you're doing good. You have seen him and are allowed to move on.
Thank you Bertus, I do feel a little lighter now after getting that out... :)
This was deep, Troy. It was moving, vulnerable, and honest. I really felt the torn-ness and the sadness in your words.
My relationship with my dad has always been somewhat strained, as I am all too aware that I’m not the kind of son he’d hoped I’d be. And so, I really related to this piece.
Thank you for being so open and for sharing this moving piece.
Thank you Michael, and thanks for the restack, very much appreciated. I wish you peace and an earnest hope for a happier connection with your dad, if that is possible and amenable. I'm very glad for your fellowship here. 🙏
Thank you, Troy.
I’m very happy to have your fellowship as well.
This is deeply, deeply moving and painful. There are times not to weigh in except to say that I am choked up about it.
And to say this: all of the parts that your father loved and respected about you, and undoubtedly there are far more than you’re aware, all of those parts would be different if you were to be fantasy of a different son. To change a piece is to change the whole to unrecognizable ends.
You’re just right and your father in his calmest deepest wisdom would have understood that. I believe this to be true because I think that all of us in our deepest calmest wisdom know it to be true. Thank you for sharing. You are heard.
Thank you Adam, I think you are right about that - there is a deeper, wiser place in all of us, and trying to reach it might be the great mission of each of our lives - none of us reaches it all of the time. I appreciate your presence here, and in everything you bring to this space. 🕊️
❤️
Our parents were people of their times, shackled by convention and not knowing it. We are, most likely, bound by our visions of the world and as unaware as they were. There was love, and you're right, that's all that needs to be said.
Thank you Martine, we are all in this imperfect soup together. 💙
My goodness, Garrett, no need to apologize at all, I feel as though you've lived that very experience, both in the realm of sleep and also certainly with your father IRL. Is it any wonder that when the world expects Men of Steel, children find their fathers are uncomfortable to hug? I have tried and tried to remember all the ways in which he did express his love, and that he also must have felt that I was disappointed in him - the armor was a barrier to both of us. Well, we do our best, and have no choice but to soldier on... ;) Thank you so much for your own sharing, I know in your own way and at this challenging time, you face your own struggles as a man and father. Strength and peace to you, brother Garrett.